The Spiral

One mistake

Just one, small mistake,

Inconsequential in the grand scheme

Of life and the universe.

And yet it is enough

To awaken The Spiral.

The Spiral of thoughts

That begin with “You messed up”

And ends with “You’re too flawed

To be truly loved.”

My logical brain knows

It’s the result of faulty wiring,

Not to be trusted,

And not at all true.

But The Spiral persists,

The sound growing louder,

Louder, louder until it’s screaming

And I am paralyzed,

Unable to find the motivation,

To find the purpose of even moving.

In The Spiral every flaw is scrutinized,

Viewed under my mind’s strongest microscope.

Every moment of imperfection is weighed and measured.

Even moments of happiness and joy

Are not safe from The Spiral.

The Spiral tells me that I am not enough,

That I am too broken.

It tells me no one would ever want to carry

The burden of my brokenness.

The Spiral tells me to keep

My deepest hurts, my darkest thoughts to myself.

It tells me that my friends who care

Will change their mind if they knew.

And if they don’t, eventually they will

Realize that the burden of my being

Outweighs any good I bring to their lives

And they’ll see it’s easier

To just walk away.

The Spiral is a demon and a liar.

The Spiral does not have my best interest in mind.

The only interest The Spiral has is my destruction.

It is an enemy I have fought many times

And will likely fight many more times.

Sometimes it lies dormant, quiet in its cage.

But now and then, without warning,

It breaks free and the battle commences once more.

Some days The Spiral is overwhelming

And I wonder if it’s even worth the fight.

But to quit isn’t in my blood

So I rise up, each and every time,

And I face down the enemy of my mind.

Because losing to The Spiral

Is not an option.